Willow
does
a spell that goes wrong again and the
Scoobies, along with Spike,
lose their memories.
The witch wants Buffy to forget
she
was in Heaven (and thus stop suffering from
being ripped off there by her
friends), and Tara to forget about a fight she
and Willow have just had.
In front of the fireplace at the Summers' house,
she sets on fire [Lethe's
Bramble]; next, she approaches to the fire
a crystal, which will turn
black when the spell starts working.
Later, Buffy, Giles, Xander,
Willow,
Tara, Dawn and Anya are all at the [Magic
Box]; Giles is about to tell them he is
going to return to England,
when Spike bursts through the door, smoking from
the sun light. He wears
a suit and a bow tie, and everyone stares at
him. He says he needs asylum
because he is running away from a bloke to whom
he owns kittens.*
*Kitten poker, remember? Clem and
Spike play it on Life Serial.
Meanwhile at Buffy's house,
instead
of one crystal, a bunch of them burn in the fire
place, and suddenly all
people at the Magic Box pass out.
When they wake up, hours later,
they
try to guess who they are by checking their
driver's licenses (Giles and
Xander) or college's IDs (Willow and Tara). Dawn
is wearing a necklace
with her name on it, Anya finds out her name
(and Gile's) in some Magic
Box forms, Buffy names herself "Joan".
At first, Spike doesn't know he
is
an Englishman; when he notices his own accent,
he concludes he is Gile's
son Giles vehemently disagree, he thinks they
can be brothers...
Oh, listen
to Mary Poppins. He's got his crust all stiff
and upper with that nancy-boy
accent. You Englishmen are always so... Bloody
hell! Sodding, blimey, shagging,
knickers, bollocks... oh God! I'm English!
Next, Spike figures out his name
is Randy because he finds a label on the inside
of his suit jacket that
reads "made with care for Randy":
'Made with
care for Randy.' Randy Giles? Why not just
call me 'Horny Giles,' or 'Desperate
for a Shag Giles'? I knew there was a reason I
hated you!
After analyzing the situation,
all
agree that something is very wrong, and Joan
tells them they need to go
to the hospital Randy points out that she is
very bossy. They discuss
how they will get to the hospital, and Randy has
an idea:
Dad can
drive. He's bound to have some classic
midlife-crisis transport. Something
red, shiny, shaped like a penis.
And Giles does
have a red, shiny, shaped like a penis car...
However, when they open the door
to leave, they see a bunch of vampires and their
fangs, and scream in terror.
Joan slams the door shut. They are amazed that
monsters do exist!
The vampires yell they want
Spike,
and the people inside the shop think they want
"spikes". Randy rushes to
pick up a bunch of stakes, and shows them to the
Scoobies. The vampires
also want the Slayer, and the scared group think
they want to "slay her,
a female someone"...
The vampires enter the Magic shop
they don't need an invitation, because it's a
public place and one
of them goes after Randy, saying he owes them
kittens; as he doesn't have
a clue about what would be these "kittens", he
gives them the bunch of
"spikes" he had just found...
Joan fights another vamp, and
beats
him easily; then she sees Randy is in danger,
and goes to him. She saves
the day dusting the vampire:
Hey! Stay away from Randy!
The Scoobies and Randy are very
surprised
by Joan's ability; she thinks she is a super
hero!
Willow and Xander find out the
trap
door in the basement, which leads to the sewer.
Joan decide she and Randy
will fight the vamps, while the others will go
to the hospital through
the sewers. Anya disagree, she wants to stay,
and protect the cash register,
and do some spells; Giles, her "fiancι", stays
with her.
Joan: We need to go.
Ready,
Randy?
Randy: Ready, Joan.
Before leaving, "daddy" Giles
wants
to say goodbye to his son Randy, show some
affection... They hug awkwardly;
Randy pushes Giles away.
Joan and Randy leave the Magic
Box,
and the vamps attack them. They fight back, and,
without realizing, Randy
puts his game face. He gets very happy when he
finds out that he has super
strength, too he is a super hero like Joan! On
the other hand, Joan doesn't
like what she sees; she runs toward Randy, and
straddles him, stake in
hand:
Joan: You're a vampire!
Randy: How can you say-
I, me, a vampire? No.
Joan: Check the lumpies.
And the teeth. I kill your kind.
Randy: And I bite yours.
So how come I don't wanna bite you? And why am
I fightin' other vampires?
I must be a noble vampire. A good guy. On a
mission of redemption. I help
the hopeless. I'm a vampire with a soul.
Joan: A vampire with a
soul? Oh my god, how lame is that?
Randy is now walking and talking:
Randy: I'm a hero
really.
I mean, to be cast such an ugly lot in life
and then to rise above it.
To seek out better, nobler things. It's
inspirational, isn't it? And the
two of us... natural enemies, thrown together
to stand against the forces
of darkness. Utter trust. No thought of me
biting you, no thought of you
staking me.
The vampires attack again, and,
in
the middle of the fight, the spell is broken
Xander's foot has just smashed
the crystal that had dropped from Willow's
pocket, while they were in the
sewers. Joan & Randy are no more. Spike
dusts two vampires, while the
Shark Demon approaches and, seeming now a little
afraid of Spike and The
Slayer, says he doesn't need the kittens
anymore. But Spike says he is
no welsher and will pay his debt.
***
That's Randy's short story. Even
not knowing about the [chip]
in his head, Spike didn't want to hurt Buffy, or
any human for that matter.
He was a noble vampire without a soul. On a
mission of redemption. How
lame is that? ;)
